Parent & Child Relationship

Kam Lovel, B.Com., C.M.A   Family Mediator & Counsellor, Collaborative Law Facilitator and Coach Parkside Drive Pickering ONTARIO L1V 3N6 Tel: (416) 846-5265 Fax: Email: mediation@kamlovel.com

Question:
Relationship between parents and child: Is it being distanced or coming closer in today’s generation?

Answer:
The answer to this question depends on how to you define relationship. For some it means level of respect shown to traditional values and religion.

For others it means sharing by the children about their thoughts and daily activities.  

Traditional values and religion depends on mostly on the daily activity that the children lived during their child hood.

Question:
Distanced: Why? What is the root cause? Is it the life style of Canada?

Answer:
I think distance during the teenage years of a child occurs every where but here it is more visible.

In our native countries, most people have support network of extended families. Like uncles , aunties, grand parents etc.  So even if there distance some contact filters through via other family members. 

Here there is only parent and the child so each event is visible and can be seen and effect felt. Over time it creates knots in the heart and mind of the child and the parent creating increasing distance.

Question:
What should parents do to have a better and closer relationship with their kids?

Answer:
Typical answer and best is "try to talk on regular basis as much as you can about all issues"

However, there are other issues that your child is facing that every child will face in teenager years. (growing into adult, genetic force with purpose of seeking independence, peer pressure)

When I was faced by the same, a friend recommended to me a book called "Get out of my life but can you take me and Cheryl to mall first by Anthony Wolf." I highly recommend it to any parent of teenager kids.

Question:
Who has to mould Parents or kids and how?

Answer:
Well Parent hood does not come with a hand book so parents learn by doing and some time it is very difficult on the child as they are learning or may be too late by the time the learn. 

Child has to learn to become an adult regardless of what the parents do or don't do. They will declare independence sooner or later.

Now the decision each parent has to make is how to deal with the new adult in their life. Not many people are capable of easily adjusting to another adult. (See how your mom reacts when another lady comes to share her kitchen even for a short while)

Question:
Culture Shock? What culture should we follow when living in Canada?

Answer:
What culture to follow has to do with how the children were raised and activities does when they were little and growing up. If the child went to base  ball games and ice hock at early child hood then it is unreasonable for the children to be expected to follow native country culture unless it comes them.

On the other hand there is good chance that child will continue if they went to your place of prayer ( Gurduara, Temple, Church)  every Sunday.

Question:
Should parents follow their kids or vice versa? Should we support our kids decisions? If not how to we effectively communicate with our kids.

Answer:
Parent need to live their life and children live in their house till they find their own house. So the best a parent can do is provide lots of guidance while the child is growing but after 17+ provide a safe place for them to return as they face the uncertainties of the world and their life

Question:  
What if you want a Doctor in future and the child wants to become an artist?

Answer:
I think it is very hard on parents when they have worked so hard to grow their child and now the child wants to pursue a different dream. Yet, once children is 17+ age they deserve respect of as an adult and given space to grow into their dream. Specially in a country like Canada, where all professions are considered good and productive. As long as you child is interested and learning they will succeed.

Last  Comments:
Some thing my mother said in this regard has helped in a lot. She lives in Delhi India as a retired from Delhi Police DSP position. She headed a missing persons squad. ( missing children). She said of a family who worked very hard with a child to forced him to study hard. Child did also study very hard but the exam marks were not very good. Child did suicide.

What did that parent gain from forcing that child to the point that for the child it became  do or die situation.

Once they are 17+ age, why not realize that you child is now grown up and provide them with a safe place to return and allow them to explore and find what is this life for them. The children should also realize that the parents are trying to understand the new world where they are not needed as full time parents any more.

 

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